Motherhood

‘Yesterday I didn’t like my red coat’ by Alfie aged 4

Yesterday started as any other day, I shouted up to Mummy and Daddy to let them know I was awake. They didn’t seem bothered so as usual I went upstairs and poked Mummy’s face until she woke up. I asked to play on my iPad then got in between them and watched my videos really fucking loud making sure my elbows dug in to both of the sleepy bastards. You know, just to let them know it was morning.

After breakfast I got dressed and brushed my teeth, it was funny watching Mummy ask me 4 times to go brush my teeth, I love pushing it and seeing how many times she’ll ask me to brush them before losing her shit.

Right, this is it, time to leave for school. For the past few months Mummy has been sending me to school in my favourite coat, it’s a blue waterproof one that Nanny bought me and I fucking love it, but Mummy told me it’s starting to get to cold for that coat and that I need to start wearing a big coat now. So she put my big red Bristol City coat on me. What the fuck is this I thought? Where’s my favourite blue one? Is this woman having a laugh, she knows I like my blue one.

Red is definitely not my colour and I wasn’t having it at all, I don’t even like Bristol City, I only wear it because Daddy makes me, I like rugby. Anyway, there I am in this fucking huge coat, it’s about 2 sizes too big and I look like a twat. ‘You look lovely in that coat’ Mummy smiles.. What a bitch.

I wasn’t wearing this shitty coat, I have no idea what that woman was thinking saying I couldn’t wear my blue one. At first I said I didn’t like it but Mummy didn’t listen, so I tried crocodile tears, that didn’t get much response either, so I turned on the proper water works, I tried really hard to get real tears, I should get an Oscar for that performance. I couldn’t wait to tell my mates at school how good at crying on demand I was.

Mummy started to get cross, it makes me happy when she’s cross, I can’t help but laugh at the silly fucker when she gets mad, that really winds her up, I’m not sure weather I’m brave or stupid. I knew I looked like a prick in this coat, I didn’t want my mates to see me like this, I cried and threw a scream in there as well, just so she knew I was serious.

Before I knew it we were halfway to school, I was a blubbering mess and I still had the red coat on. ‘Fuck’ I thought, the bitch won.

Turns out all my mates loved my coat, the chicks digged it to, Bristol City are my favourite team and red is definitely my colour.

Same again on Monday morning I think, gotta keep Mummy on her toes.

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